amadeusthecreated

Folded wings, frightened of flight

2009-02-18T04:35:00.001-08:00

A grumpy word. An angry glance.

A throat burning for something to sooth it. A stuffy head unable to think clearly.

Signs of stress? You'd think so. But surely this is my year away from stress? Isn't this the year that I have taken away from my job, my income, my steady progress to 'greater things' to avoid the mere mention of the word "stress".

Again I say, you'd think so.

Then why the sickness? Why the moodiness? Whats with the inability to stay focused? The lack of peace?

I guess I am quickly learning that a job isn't the sole source of stress.

But you gave up your responsibilities at church, I hear you say. You've stopped worship leading. You don't have to play the piano anymore. No more are you required at board meetings and nominating committee meetings. You no longer have the heavy badges of Youth Leader and Elder to weigh you down.

So what's my problem? Good question.

I spent the day travelling back from Cairns. I woke up at 4:40am in order to catch my flight back to Brisbane before spending the morning with another friend and driving back to Alstonville. Home. I spent the last week in Cairns vising a friend who needed company. Most of the time I was there I spent lazing around, swimming in the lagoon (a beautiful pool right on the coast), reading and chatting. I saw some movies (Changeling and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button), did some walking and listened to some music. I ascended onto the high country and watched very busy water soar gently into the abyss below. I witnessed the flying silhouettes of the bats at dusk and the reaching arms of the trees in which they landed.

But for some reason I just couldn't rest.

The issue, I think, stems from a need of mine to be busy. I'm not good at just letting time pass without some sort of product to show at the end of it. I can't listen to music without analysing, sorting and filing the information in my mind. I find it hard to watch tv without folding laundry, stretching, using my computer. And, so it turns out, I can't take a year away from work without... without...

I just don't know how to finish that sentence. What is this 'product' that I want to find at the end of 2009? The answering of this question has been the source of my emotional torment and anxiety. There are things.... aspirations, dreams.. which I want at the end of my time of 'escape'.

Tangible things such as qualifications come immediately to mind. I have enrolled in a massage course which can be completed this year. But I want more! I have registered to sit the GAMSAT (Graduates Australian Medical School Admissions Test) in March. I am looking into doing a course in teaching English as a second language. I want to learn about mechanics, sport, health, science, history and geography. I want to study the bible and learn about religion.

The intangible things can also be added to the list. I want to learn about life. Gain experience. To grow closer to God. I want to be a better, healthier, stronger man.

I want.. I want.... I expect....

There is so much!! And so little time!

Why must I be 24? Six years from 30. 26 from the beginning of the end.

Just the thought makes my mind crumple or go into overdrive, it can't decide. I see the amount of things to do, to accomplish, to achieve.. and I am back again to the place that i thought I had escaped.

I lie with folded wings, too frightened to fly.

As a boy, I always look for a solution. Is there one? I think so.

I guess I need to learn that life is life. It doesn't start when you please, neither does it let you 'get off' for a period. Life is. I am. And I guess I just can't expect to rush it, manipulate it, slow it down, or make it somehow more full than necessary. I can't expect myself to conquer it all today, tomorrow or even this year. Sure it is healthy to have goals, provided they are healthy goal.

Perhaps I need a day to just sit and to not think. To sit, and to not do. Hmm.. Sounds difficult. But I have only the option to try or to not try. I choose to try.

I just need to take a breath, stretch out my feeble wings, stand at the beginning of each day and jump.

Not a little skip because I am afraid to fail, or I have no confidence in the winds.

But to jump with all my might, all my confidence... into the will of God which carries me on wind like an eagle.

validity

2007-08-06T04:48:00.000-07:00

Isn't it amazing that God has instilled in us a desire and commission for character development. It is awesome. I am studying a unit to my year 9 and 10s on Suffering and Compassion. And I love to think about it in context of all the things I have learnt about myself. I try to work out in what ways I am suffering and dig deeper and deeper to uncover the root cause and work out strategies to address the suffering. We are shaped so much by our past. Our interactions with important males in our lives, interactions with important females in our lives fully shape our perceptions of gender. Looking at what they do shapes our perceptions of industry and purpose. Our dealings with and guidance through struggle, conflict and resolution influence our self-worth and independence. It is all interconnected. A man is not an island.

At the moment, I am cracking down on my commission to be a good steward. For the last 8 months, since I have been here, I have become slacker and slacker when it came to dishes, vacuuming and ironing (my 3 greatest inconveniences). The garden of my rented house has fallen to disrepair also. So last sunday, I spent the whole day cleaning my kitchen and ironing. This afternoon when I got home I went out and pruned a tree. After tea I did the dishes, dried them and put them away.

I think somewhat that my desire for cleanliness, and the motivation and industriousness that has benefited my desire, is somewhat related to my state of mind, my recent intermittent experience with a feeling which can only be described as mastery, and the weather. I have always found that I work better with a clean desk. And it seems also that when I am working efficiently and confidently, my desk somewhat resembles order (if not only to my archaic perceptions at the time). School this term has been glorious, better than the last two terms. I pray that this trend continues. I have a made a real connection with the students, the subject material and my understanding of my role. I have grown. And I have grown a lot. And I am continuing to grow. But at the moment, I am enjoying the plateau of mastery, if not of only small things. It is hard to express the feeling of entering a room and knowing that your performance, although not being always accurate or flawless, will be, with little fear, plausible. And validity, I feel, is the essential basis for a sapling to burst into growth. I can. I am not perfect, but I can.

I am discovering this theory true time and time again in my interactions with my students. To just believe a student can is all a student needs sometimes. X is a student of mine who has low self-esteem and works at a poor standard. One day I told him that he could do a piece of work that I had set him. I moved him away from his peers, and told him how I had faith in him, how I knew how capable he was at achieving the task ahead of him. You know what he did? He didn't yell, or argue. He cried. Big soppy baby tears. Tears from a heart that was longing to hear those words. And you know what? He worked with passion the next few weeks - like a man with a purpose, a desire to exemplify that he could!

In my study recently I have been discovering about the basic sufferings of a man's heart. This call for validity is one that deep-set within every soul. A man whose masculinity is not validated, whose interests and ambitions are not validated and whose basic feelings and passions are not validated is left to question himself. To wonder whether or not he is good enough. Whether he try to play a role in which he feels invalidated, or fight for androgyny as a safer option. And again, this suffering is deep-set and is affected by interactions and examples.

The hope is, and perhaps the cop-out, Adventist response for those who have not gone through the struggle and discovered the reality, God validates us. He has created us, equal but different. With a purpose. He has created me with a need for adventure, with a thirst for and the capabilities to achieve true masculinity and a heart that is open for growth. And with this gift of realisation, comes the fruit of mental relaxation. I can think, analyse and create without fear. I jump out of bed with a desire to be awake with the knowledge that I am contributing in a valid way. I am and I can, therefore I do, without self-inflicted limitation.

I think the warmer weather helps it all as well.

I had no idea how passionate my need for validity was. It was masked from me. I wonder what else is masked from me?

one term in

2007-05-05T07:37:00.000-07:00

so.. it is now the sunday before the third week of term 2..and life if pretty good. I am living in Alstonville, and I have some really really GREAT friends!! Gonna miss Keegan so much when he goes over seas. He is a champion..

Simon's birthday party was last night.. was heaps of fun fun!!

green swirly carpet

2007-01-19T02:16:00.000-08:00

Here is a little summary of what has been happening in my life.. lifted from an email I was writing..

I have started renting a house here in Alstonville (between Ballina and Lismore). It is a nice 4 bedroom house (Am sharing with my brother, who will be coming in about a month's time). We needed a big house so we could spread out, and not get in each others way. I will need an office and he needs something similar (to have his drum kit in etc). The carpet is green and swirly.. and the chores never seem to end. Washing, cleaning, cooking, listening to the birds (which of course isn't a chore), and.. unpacking.. Sunday's job will be mowing the lawns!
Have been blessed with a great deal of generosity and hospitality here. It has been great!! Have been adopted by the Hughes family (if you know them, Andrew Kingston's wife's family) who have made sure I have table and chairs, microwave, tv, pots and pans, lawnmower, kitchen utensils, CD player, record player, queen bed mattress, tv cabinet... etc.. Either through a long term loan of the items from them, or through the gracious giving of the Adra shop. Lovely!
Have started work as of yesterday. Went in and CLEANED out my room. Gosh, it was dirty!! and messy... and unorganised and full of stuff that didn't belong to me etc.. It was frustrated, but really rewarding. Today I went through and took an inventory of everything. There isnt' much there, but it will do for a while. It is going to be exciting starting a music department there. I really hope that it will grow!!
Really tired right now, but content with all the jobs I have been doing. Have a renewed respect for my mum. I don't know how she worked full time and kept a house going, as well as teaching singing, being heavily involved with church business and raised a family!! I must say, MOTHERS ARE AMAZING!!

merit...demerit

2006-12-25T15:37:00.000-08:00

"you'll make principal really soon".. these are the words that one of my friend's dad said to me (and a sentiment that he has said to my friend many times). "why couldn't you find a nice boy like Andrew"..words from another friend's mother. Why do these people hold me in a such high esteem?

I found out today that I have only 2 demerit points to get before I lose my license. It is insane to think that this goody-two shoes, who all of my friends in Broken Hill think is just such a model of goodness could lose his license! What a disgrace.

so funny..i love this

2006-12-22T23:21:00.002-08:00

This is probably one of my favourite clips I have seen. Just watch the swearing..

so funny..i love this

2006-12-22T23:21:00.001-08:00

This is probably one of my favourite clips I have seen. Just watch the swearing..

http://www.youtube.com/v/YDuyJrJCKqw">http://www.youtube.com/v/YDuyJrJCKqw" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350">

so funny..i love this

2006-12-22T23:21:00.000-08:00

This is probably one of my favourite clips I have seen. Just watch the swearing..

home?

2006-12-15T23:39:00.000-08:00

well... I have finally left college. For the LAST time. I have done the trip from Cooranbong to Broken Hill many times by train and bus, but this time just had an air of finality. I hugged my best buddy real tight cos I knew that it would be the last time for a long time when we would be living near each other. It is gonna be hard. Yet I am so excited. Sometimes I wish that life was meant to be easy. But I don't reckon that it is. There is going to be so many tough times in the next couple of months. I will feel alone.. But then I think of people who are going to be further away, in the midst of people they don't know. I just love my friends.. and I will miss them a lot. I just hope they come and visit.

I ask the question.. home? Cos, gosh.. I am in limbo right now. Avondale was home.. Broken Hill was home. But so many things are changing. My brother has moved out to his own house and will be getting married soon. Me and my other bro are moving to Ballina. The family dynamics are changing. Will i feel at home in a rental property?? or is it only when I buy a house will I feel at rest?

I need to pray more, and read more of the bible. At the moment though, i have misplaced my bible grr. I need a new one anyway..

good for remembering

2006-12-13T01:18:00.000-08:00

i am glad I have started this blog, even though I keep forgetting to write in it (was addicted for a bit, and still am kinda.. but when I miss important stuff, I just end up not writing in here cos I think I just have heaps to make up). But just reading it back, it is so good just to remember things...

Well, the birthday bashes are over with. Had Braden's party on my birthday (sunday) which was a bit strange, but alright.. then went to the carols at the San. All fun and good.. my buddy Sallee stole the show!! Yay for her. Then the last couple of days I have been packing. Tonight we have kinda planned for a game of poker, but everyone is pulling out!!! Grr... So we'll see how we go. Can you play poker with only three people? Maybe we will have to invite people who are still hanging around the dorm to play with us.. GRRRR...

afternoon delight

2006-12-08T04:48:00.000-08:00

perhaps i know these people?

2006-12-08T04:43:00.000-08:00

sad but true.. we do know these people..um, I mean this horse..

Had a great time with Jo and people tonight!! man, it is scary to think that I won't see some of these people for years. Crazy. I will try and write more later about stuff.. it has been ages since I have written here and so much has happened.. Anyway.. here is the video for you Jo..

fun times..

2006-11-26T04:07:00.000-08:00

today was a busy day! ooo..and a good day yesty..

I went to a beautiful brunch this morning! I woke up, waded through my pig sty of a room and showered before saying goodbye to one of my favourite boys from watson and heading over to my ride at 8:30 (ON A SUNDAY!!) and sitting (well, i wasn't driving) my way to East Maitland for Madelyne Hodges's (i must insist on the second s..) engagement partay (s'up). GREAT FOOD. Sausages, egg, tomato, onion, mushrooms on the bbq; mueslie, yoghurt, weetbix, milk; toast, pancakes; FRUIT GALORE!!; muffins and white chocolate cake!. Yummo.. so good that I have decided that we are doing one for braden's birthday! Yay!

Hung out with Mark Robinson for a bit this arvo, and went and got a haircut.

Went to Karen Rigby's birthday party at 5:30.. I love that girl.. she is one of my favourites.. along with her family and the other people there.. We played some crazy games and ate some food..

Headed to Mitchell (my bro) and Keralyn (i had better learn how to spell that) 's engagement party at about 7ish.. Walked straight into a "dress the engaged people in newspaper" game which I had heaps of fun in.. IT is always great to design a nice paper wedding dress.

Then I took my grumpy (grandpa) back to the caravan park he was staying at.

Yesterday was the messiah performance. Loved that! I just get so excited about singing with people, and preaching through my solos.. LoVE it.. After that we went and ate like fatty-la-las.. Pizza, icecream, chocolate and MANGOS!.. yummo...

Oooo.. i need to mention my friday, which was GREAT as well.. My bestest friend, Braden, organised a birthday bash for me in the park with heaps of my friends. Was just good to have so much love pushed around. I just love my friends so much.. they mean so much to me. The bought me a watch and engraved it. It just means so much to me, and i really don't deserve it.

So that was the beginning of my fantastic weekend..(that was wierd.. i ended where I should have begun... i am sure all of you peoples with good spacial skills can work it out.. :) )

one detail

2006-11-22T22:53:00.000-08:00

isn't it crazy when you get hurt by someone... and you can't imagine why they have said or done it to you. Then out of the blue, you discover ONE DETAIL that has somehow missed your attention, and you discover that your hurt is completely unfounded. I feel embarrased in these situations as well. Sometimes it is wise to hold your tongue (and your emotions) until you find out ALL the details.. it is usually simpler then you first think

just like that

2006-11-22T01:26:00.000-08:00

so my eyes hurt from the smoke in the air and I am grumpy. Everyone else is busy and I am busy. It is Krysten's birthday and we don't have time to do anything for her. It is to the point where people aren't just busy, but they are overworked and stressed out. There are issues in the music department with the consistency with the marking for the recitals. Our perfect plan for telling people about grad stuff has been halted because of an error with the printing, adding more to the work load. People have organised a birthday party for me on friday night and I feel bad cos people are doing stuff for me... it honestly makes me stomach nauseous to think about it. Now I feel bad about vocalising that.. (i love my friends.. and thank then for that). My folks are here and I have to juggle the car. I need to get my car registered tomorrow (it is currently out of rego for a day so far). I don't know if I understand one particular friend at the moment.. and it troubles me to think that I have been misinterpreting all this time. I have a headache. I have an essay due on friday that I can't be bothered doing. I have lost (i mean, officially lost) all of my notes and preparation for that essay...have to start again.

GRRRR....

What can I do? Pray? I feel comforted, and I understand why all these things are happening.. perhaps I just need more strength. The thing is that I am almost letting things quench me. My advice to anyone reading this... please show me you love me if you do....

significance

2006-11-21T05:14:00.000-08:00

don't you hate it when you discover that you are not as significant to someone as you once thought?...

For those who know me well, know that I am always on about significance.. I really need to find some time to nut out the concept.. I mean, what makes you significant to someone? How do you show someone that they are significant? What are the signs which show me that you think I am significant (whether I am reading these correctly or not). What is significance? Do all of the people that i find significant know that I find them significant? (I hope so... i try hard to make sure they know..) Why is it important to me to have people think me significant?

hmmmm

fun times

2006-11-19T02:53:00.000-08:00

I just came home from a really great weekend away with Braden. A while ago we decided that it would be cool to go away together for the weekend... and I wanted to go and check out the Lismore area some more. So this weekend, we killed two birds with the one bloody good stone. We left on friday morning at about 6:15 (15 minutes after our original leaving time, and incidently also 15 mins after I woke up... damn half-asleep-alarm-switching-offing), got there around 2ish and went and visited my school-to-be, and all of lismore. It is nice, dingy-kinda place.. but still good. We settled down for the night at a camping spot called Flat rock.. I love sleeping in a tent near the beach. The sounds are so good.. love camping !!
Went to church and met up with some fun people. Had to play for the offering.. lol. it is so good to be asked to play the piano straight away. Feels such a great community atmosphere. :)
Braden and I went to Nimbin for the arvo. Man.. nimbin is great!! So hippy and funny.. Was offered weed like 4 times or something and some hash cookies. Braden said that he saw a guy with a huge bag of weed as well. I can't believe the cops don't do anything. Man.. but honestly, they are the loveliest people! :)
Went to Byron bay that night. Love byron... also hippy but quite upper class. We watched the last of the sun disappear from on top of a hill. Beautiful views. It would have to be one of the most beautiful views I have ever seen. Didn't take any photos of it.. forgot the camera.
Just spent this morning wandering around Ballina, scoping out the property market. I can't wait to live there. I really want to start buying property as well. Seems a waste paying money into another persons rental property.

There is HEAPS to do up that way. I am excited. You will all have to come and visit me... I will be so happy to show you around..
ps.. my glasses broke again.. poo.. this is the second pair of the same glassses which have broken. These replaced the last lot under warrenty... not again. I hated them anyway..

nude trampolining

2006-11-16T04:45:00.000-08:00

http://addictingclips.com/Content.aspx?key=BC59B4307C52214A&refCode=&brand=ag
you gotta try this.. thank goodness for the leaf..

lismore

2006-11-16T04:16:00.000-08:00

am heading off to lismore for the weekend. Am leaving tomorrow morning (fri) and returning on sunday night. Goin with my buddy braden to check out the place and see where I might live next year. It is really just an excuse to get away and spend some time with Braden...cos we haven't really done that for a long time.

Got one exam and one essay left. I am a loser incidently again.. I have lost my folder which has heaps of research and notes about the essay I have to write. POO to my forgetfulness.. Where could it possibly be? Has anyone seen it?

philosophy

2006-11-16T03:50:00.000-08:00

well, i had the privalege of doing an exam today where I had to write my Philosophy of Christian education. I challenge you to think about your personal beliefs and goals and see how they influence your actions, or the other way.. analyse your actions and see what beliefs they stem from. Or have a look at your beliefs and see if your actions match up with them...and work out what needs to change.

Just thought I would write a bit of a summary of my beliefs from my statement. I divided this exam up into three basic belief chunks/clusters (am sure there is a proper word for this). Will run through them quickly. While you read, see what you agree with and what you can't take as your personal belief.

Nature of love (Metaphysical belief)
I believe in God. I believe that God created us to love. Although we moved away from God due to sin, he showed his love to us through the redemptive power of the cross. What greater love is there than to sacrifice His son to save the world. I believe that Jesus was the living example of love. I believe that selfless love is the truest love. I believe God has given within all of us a need for love and relationship. I believe that one of our primary purposes for living is for relationships. I believe that our purpose in life is to prepare for heaven and to help others on this path. I believe that service for others and giving are some ways in which we can show selfless love.

Nature of knowledge (Epistemological belief)
I believe that God knows all knowledge and truth. I believe that we can never know absolute truth. I believe that knowledge and truth are revealed to us as we grow and develop. I believe it is our responsibility to learn.

Nature of music (axiological belief)
I believe that talents are God given and should be valued. I believe that gifts that we are given, such as music, should be cultivated, developed and used. I believe that music is sourced from God and that it should be performed for His glory. In this, actions (including music performance) should be done with humility.

Anyway.. they are just a few of my core beliefs. The big fancy words might not be used particualrly correctly, but they are areas of philosophy in which the beliefs roughly fit. Of course all of my actions somehow can be stemmed back to these beliefs (and others). Such as, why do I happily give up my study time to spent time with a friend? Because I believe that relationships are more important. Why do I love my friends so much? Because I believe love is given from God. Why do I dispise pride in music performance? Because I believe that we need to be selfless and work with Humility as our gifts are not ours, but from God. Why do I not get frustrated if someone doesn't understand something? Because knowledge is slowly revealed to people and there is always a time when people need to learn and experience things. Why does it frustrate me when people aren't open to new experiences? Because I feel that they are limiting their own personal development and growth. Why do I give money and presents (like chocolate) to people so easily? Because people are more important than money, and because I love them...and love is given from God... and that selflessness is a key part of my belief system.

I could go on and on. I would love to know what people think. The core belief which is a premise upon all of those sit, is my belief in God. Now, if I didn't believe in God, then I could potentially be very selfish, and feel no problems being self-serving. I would like to know what you guys think? From where do your beliefs stem? What do you believe?

happy birthday

2006-11-16T03:32:00.000-08:00

Did you know that the song 'happy birthday' is currently copyrighted til at least 2030? Every time it appears in a movie, or is sung for television, or is performed at a large function, royalties need to be paid. The full history can be found at http://www.snopes.com/music/songs/birthday.asp
But a brief summary:
The song first appeared in a children's song book with the words-
Good morning to you,Good morning to you,Good morning, dear children,Good morning to all.
Then it was changed and republished with the Happy Birthday words as we know it. Apparently some guy bought the copyrights and the royalties pay $2 million annually. Insano!

It seems that the new copyright laws will mean that the recording of family birthday party sing alongs will be illegal and incur a fine of over $6000. What is the world coming to? http://www.smh.com.au/news/technology/soon-recordings-will-be-a-crime/2006/11/13/1163266483975.html read this for more info.. (thanks Clank for sharing that..so interesting!)

catchup

2006-11-13T23:22:00.000-08:00

boy.. it has been ages since I have written on here (well, a few days anyhow). I just have been so busy. The passing/pace of time really does depend on so many things. I mean, it really does feel like a long time to me because so much stuff has happened in my head (no, not like parties and/or voices) just working things out. And so much has happened in life (yeah, the tangible stuff). Quick run-down:

- lots of assignmenting..
- fun times in the physics lab (phlab)
- singing at Erina church on saturday (last Promise excursion)..had lunch at a BEAUTIFUL big house!! it was awesome..
- Jac banquet. .. will try to post some photos on here. Me and buddy Jared took 4 girls between us. Latin themed. Friend made me a red cummerbun thingo. Latin dancers!!woot.. And someone dropped and broke my digital camera.. (crappola).
- had a practise with the orchestra for the Messiah.. bit poo cos they are rushing the recitative but nothing can be done..grr
- now have a date for the grad banquet...same person who denied me for the Jac banquet.. she actually basically asked me this time.
- had lunch with Braden today..
- had tea with the graduating students in my dormitory...pizza.. ew
- gave someone a pair of pants as a present with a grad ticket in the pocket.. i love doing things for people.
- ooo.. had tea on friday night with all the graduating teachers at one of the lecturer's houses.. was so good.
- watched basketball finals in the audo..
- mucked around with Mark in newy on thurs I think..
- found out today that I don't have to do a big chunk of my action research.. YAY! should get it done tonight.
- practised accompaniments (vocal and piano) for some people's recitals
- went to bed before midnight last night!! (I know!!)
- went to the movies with Jon and Mark.. (i must have hung with mark on the wed..)
- test drove a car..

Wow.. all that in four days..maybe I am counting a few more days as well.,. It has been great. Now..

Stuff in my head:
- learned more about relationships and friendships etc.. love my friends.
- had a breakthrough in understanding my philosophy of christian ed class. Philosophy is so cool. I will have to explain what i know. It will help me actually cos i have a test on thurs.
- discovered some unsettling truths about this institution i call home..
- gained encouragment from encouraging someone else who is going through a tough time dealing with the thought of graduating.
- had doubts that I am a valued member of society... realised I am.. for the moment.
- started getting a little stressed about all the things I have to do.. worried about my voice..
- forgot how to sing again. poop.
- found some more people to love...

And heaps more I am sure. I love to think about what I have been thinking and to find out what is off benefit to me. I will try and tie some of these things in with my philoshophy that I will write later.. late for worship right now..

backdorm boys

2006-11-09T06:05:00.000-08:00

I wish I had more time to write more stuff.. getting excited about philosophy (so I wanna write stuff).. but it is bed time. Just saw that flag/soldier movie thingo... reminds me how important mates are.. love you all!!

Speaking of which, here are some of my mates making a fool of themselves. This video was filled on campus with some good buddies of mine... It just makes me laugh. Very well filmed though! (although the lipsynching needed some work..lol).

tired

2006-11-07T06:29:00.000-08:00

so pretty much I am pretty tired. It is 1:20 ish and I have spent another fulfilling night mucking around in the physics lab with jared... fully intending to actually do some study (at least I have finished some stuff.. he is on the same paragraph he was on two nights ago). Just printing some info and going to bed.

so the horses did their little running thingo today. Yay for them.

Jared just told me that you can tell when a fart if gonna be smelly cos it has that kinda moistness about it. So true though.

My favourite saying for the day: I wish that my lawn was emo cos then it would cut itself.
So inappropriate.. but so funny.

Going to singing lesson tomorrow.

Had the GREATEST talk about muslims tonight. I am thinking about converting..

the greatest clip of all

2006-11-06T05:50:00.000-08:00

this is amazing...

bones

2006-11-06T05:04:00.000-08:00

oh... and wait for something about a graveyard of bones...

man and his dog

2006-11-06T05:03:00.000-08:00

look out for a story about a man and his dog... will write it when I have the time..

today's special

2006-11-05T06:14:00.000-08:00

does ANYONE know this??? We grew up watching like ONE episode we have on tape. Actually, it must have been more than one episode. It is so good. I would love to see some more. I love this walk down memory lane..

one voice

2006-11-05T05:56:00.000-08:00

This is one of my all time favourites as well.. Damn, i must remember all of the sesame street that no-one else does. LOL.. I love it. yay for utube.com

me and my llama

2006-11-05T05:39:00.001-08:00

gonna try and imbed this video..

me and my llama

2006-11-05T05:39:00.000-08:00

gonna try and imbed this video..

sesame street

2006-11-05T03:38:00.000-08:00

me and my llama, me and my llama
we're going to the dentist ooo-eee...

Oh, the joys of Sesame street. I just love to think back to my early childhood and being part of the mysterious world of Sesame street. Seriously, I found it captivating. I found the puppets so interesting. Just the fact that we only learnt a little bit about them at a time. I mean, where do they live? What do they do when they aren't on tv? Who's hands are up their bums?

How does all of the technical side work? I mean, there must be a normal walkway for the HUMAN actors to walk on around bunkers or something for the puppet worker people to walk in. And Big Bird for instance... he is done by one guy in a suit who has a little tv screen on his chest seeing what the little kids are seeing.

As an adult I look back at Sesame street and tut at the changes which have taken place. I mean, ditching the snufflupugus (how the hell do you spell that?), removing most of the educational quality of the show, and don't even get me started on the devil incarnate (Elmo). Gosh, things have changed.

Well, the puppets are great but the things that I remember most are the songs. The one that I quoted at the beginning I just found the lyrics for.. I remembered it a little differently. I will leave you with the version that I remember (and still hear when I listen to it.. ).

Me and my llama, me and my llama
Going to the dentist to wee...

hehe

thpethal thkool

2006-11-02T23:40:00.000-08:00

today I had the privalege of being shown through a special school in Wyong. It was great!! 35 kids in the highschool, all with social or emotional disorders (ADD, oppositional defiance disorder, autism etc). The school was fully decked out with an indoor heated pool, and tennis courts, boat (on the river) etc. It was great. The teachers were great...really lovely. I mean, you have to be pretty special to work in a school where the throwing of chairs and punching of walls is relatively normal (if guess i think back to my highschool days and realise that it wasn't that much different..yay for public schools...there was that incident with the wild girl and the chisel..). With class sizes of 7 or less with a teacher and teacher's aide..how wrong can it go?

chaff

2006-11-02T00:35:00.000-08:00

no, not like 'I have terribly chaffing on my inner thighs'.. i mean like chaff - an Avondale term (i think) for practical joke. hehe.. For my buddy jared, I scanned an Avondale college official letter head, and typed up a letter to him from the college.. LOL... startling phrases like 'we are writing to ensure that you PAY YOUR F**KING FEES'.. were particularl highlights.. he loved it. I think i will do another sometime soon.. lol :)

fun day

2006-11-02T00:28:00.000-08:00

I went to newy today.. had a singing lesson. damn those lessons are really going well. Everything seems to be making sense in my head more than ever. It is great. Now just to make it work in practise. practise.. now there's an interesting concept.

Went to Uni of Newy after that to visit a buddy of mine. Was great fun. After getting a little lost, and walking like a MILE with my heavy computer bag, we dined on mince and slices of quince.. nah, not really. Had some yummy and cheapo sandwiches.. then just hung. I love just hangin with people. Just sitting in their company and talking or not talking and whatever. There is just something cool about sharing a moment of time with someone else. (And yes, one of my primary love languages is time.. gosh.) Wandered around and did some study in a darkened, but strangly well air-conditioned computer lab. Fun times..

lol.. great day :) study time awaits..

apology

2006-11-02T00:18:00.000-08:00

Just for a bit of a conclusion to that other blog about injustice. For the first incident.. the yoghurt. That guy is about to be kicked out of college because of his actions. I promise I didn't go and dob him in or anything.. but the head of Education department called me into his office and he was disgusted to hear that one of the education students would act so stupidly. I don't expect that he will return next semester. I am in two minds about it though:
1. That sort of behaviour was violent and irrational. Next time, on the receiving end, could be someone weaker, or someone more likely to fight back. Or even worse, a child. With that in mind, I think that he should be sent away.
2. I am all for forgiveness and I think that Avondale has the potential to have a really good effect on him. I mean, I bet that the life and the people outside of Avondale could potentially turn him even worse. Who knows. In that mindset, I say.. let him stay and work on his behaviour in a conducive context.

The other incident... I went into my director's office today, and told him my frustration.. and told him that I forgive him for it. And asked for an apology. It was good. It was a resolution that was well timed, and I think that our relationship will be better now. He has promised that we will sing it for the graduation concert in december... lets see how his promise holds up.

that feeling...

2006-10-31T19:38:00.000-08:00

that feeling is here.. where I can't be motivated to do anything. I eat chocolate. and I sleep.

If I get fat, people... you'll know that you have been too late.

recognition

2006-10-31T19:27:00.000-08:00

sometimes it feels like if I didn't exist no-one would notice. honestly, even my closest friends make me feel like this sometimes. That is when it hurts the most.

Take for example my work at college. I have battled very hard to be acknowledged as being part of this one committee all year. I have done a lot of work coordinating music for the committee, and trying different things..but the whole time, the leader did not acknowledge my participation.

Why am I so driven for acknowledgement? My purpose for getting things done and helping people, isn't for the personal gratification which comes from being publicly acknowledged. But I think there is a certain amount of respect that goes with being acknowledged. Why can't my friends thank me for doing things for them? Why can't they seek me out when I am not feeling the best? Why can't they see that I feel empty?

More importantly... who have I not acknowledged?
Life is so hard.

injustice - how do you react?

2006-10-30T00:23:00.000-08:00

While sitting in the caf tonight eating an oversized hamburger, I heard a lot of noise coming from the table behind me. Glancing over at my friends on my table I saw a half eaten, deep fried, artificial potato scollap projectile into the lap of one girl on the end, obviously coming from our noisy neighbours. Turning around to see where the potatoey goodness came from, I listened out for the usual 'sorry' from the playful group. It didn't come. They just kept giggling.
'How about a sorry mate', I said to the closest guy on the table.
'How about a f**k off', was his gentle reply.
'Excuse me?' I said in a confused state. It was like an unexpected sforzando.
'How about a f**k off'.
No comment. Or maybe there was an awkward squeak from my mouth, or was that just my internal sense of logic screaming from confusion.
It was obviously very uncalled for. But not as bad as what followed.

I turned around to continue my dinner, a little shaken, as my friend asked the guy to watch his language. Obviously I looked like I could use a nice bit of yoghurt all over me, because from over my shoulder came a creamy, mango flavoured culture which rested on my shoulder and all over the person sitting across from me. In an unconsious effort to thank him for this kind gesture, I turn and looked at him questioningly.
'You just hit her', I said, relatively flabbergasted.
He looked me in the eye and stuck his finger up, obviously to indicate that he had injured it during the ordeal. And just to prove that his aiming wasn't as bad as first indicated, he happily emptied the rest of the yoghurt all over my neck and walked away.

----------------

At the piano I sat playing my latest creation.
'I would love to get a string quartet to play this, what do you you reckon?' I ask my friend who wanders into the room at that time, greeting me with a smile.
'Andy, you should put words to it and get the Octet to sing it'.
The idea resonated clear around my mind. It was be such a privalege to put words to an a capella composition of my own and to have my own singing group perform it. Imagine the rush of hearing it for the first time. I couldn't wait to tell the group director about it.

I chose liturgical text and busily got around to writing my first Requiem. This was a joy that I have experienced a few times since as I endeavoured to write a yet unfinished Requiem Mass. My plan was to have the Octet sing it and for me to learn about the way certain chords sound together so I could develop my skills in the process.

I was sure that my director would relish the idea of performing and potentially recording a composition by a member of the group. So I told him about it. He was more than encouraging, and showed great interest in the idea. So I printed up copies of the music and distributed them and awaited the time when he would start the group practising it. Time past, and the prospect of recording a CD came into the picture. I was sure that we could record my Requiem, and suggested it to our director and again he showed a great amount of interest.

As we neared the recording date, the weeks were moving quickly and we still hadn't even touched my requiem yet. I asked him about it. He said that we would still record it and look at it soon.

Now, I am not the kind of person to push my talents forward. It makes me sick to think that someone might think that I am self-seeking in things that I do like this. So I didn't push the director too hard to get us practising the song. He promised, so I figured that it would get done.

Finally the date the of recording period was upon us. The song has been sung by the group only on a few occasions and was definately NO WHERE near recording stage. As I recorded my solo piece, the rest of the group went away and worked with our director on my requiem. (I think my annoyance at this point was obvious). To make matters worse, when they returned, my director had completely changed the harmonic structure of one of my favourite sections, saying that 'he didn't like it'.

It goes without much guessing that the song didn't make it onto the CD. Through the broken promises, and lack of respect for a work written by one of the members specifically for the members it basically left one bitter and dis-heartened composer.

--------
Why do I tell you these things? I just want you to think about how you would react in these situations. Would you react in violent anger? Would you say nothing? Should the people who behave so injustly be taught a lesson? Would the lesson be taught with violence or yelling?

How do you think I reacted?

life

2006-10-29T22:18:00.000-08:00

man, life and relationships are interesting... kinda hard not to get discouraged sometimes..

suit day

2006-10-29T19:03:00.000-08:00

well, it is that time again. The day where the weakest and strongest, malest and femalest, tallest and shortest can unite as one to wear suits! Yes... SUITS!

This time-honoured tradition arcs back to the beginning of Avondale history, where the men from Watson hall and the women from Andre, Bethel and Preston would meet secretly to sip hot chocolate and dance all night long in their birthday suits. (Note: Of course, this is only folk history and changes from person to person, so don't be surprised if you hear another version.)To commemorate this occasion, generations on, students from Ella Boyd Hall and Watson spend the day in the luxury of suits made from less natural fibres.

The day embraces freedom and gender equality and should be accompanied by a joyous frollick through the grass and sips of adult hot chocolate.

stages

2006-10-27T06:07:00.000-07:00

I LOVED pre-school. I remember when I got to kindergarten the first day. I thought I would HATE it.. but I started playing with some other kids and my mum left without me even noticing.

When I was in primary school, I didn't want to leave. I LOVED year 6. I was the school captain, and loved being comfortable in the my surroundings. I loved the responsibility and the small amound of freedom it gave me. I loved the way the school worked, and how I could walk to school. I did not want to go to high school. I dreaded it... I thought 'nothing could be as good as this.. no way'.

When I was got to high school, I was scared. I had to catch the bus to school every day with all these older kids. My class (7 Rasp I think.. top class) was really wierd. I wasn't used to being with such a wide variety of kids from all different groups and different source schools with so few friends in my class. I remember realising how great the food was at the canteen. I mean, they sold chocolate eclairs in the canteen. How cool is that? And we could buy whatever hot food without ordering (gone were the days of early morning ordering at the canteen, and ending up with a mini pie and sauce every lunchtime because you couldn't decide what you would feel like 4 hours after you paid for it). As I grew up through the years, I just LOVED the freedom that we were allowed. The uniforms were not strict and in year 11 and 12 we could wear jeans. The structure of this school was such that it had 3 levels quite compactly arranged (with no windows, I might add...will explain that sometime) with large open walkways between departments. The seniors students are given the added benefit of OWNING the whole top level of the school during lunchtimes. From being basically told to stop loitering around the building during beak times, we were given the kings keys.. As seniors students we were allowed to leave the school whenever we wanted with little question....and did I mention the jeans. Who would want to leave this? Ended my career as dux which was a huge accomplishment in my books.. Again, as far to the top of a pile as I could get, before the inevitable drop to the bottom again...

College. More freedom, fantastic experiences, and heaps of fun times. My influence in the college has grown since I have been here. Have worked my way again to nearing the top of this pile.. well, as far as I would like. ASFA council, student worker aggreement committee, loans trust committee, SAM music coordinator, Graduation committee, head Teaching Materials Centre (library) worker to name some... These committees are HARD work.. and have taken most of my time for the last couple of years. It is actually really hard to move from the ignorant and complacent student, completely unaware of the politics going on, to being right in the thick of things and see how much it sucks. Truly, ignorance is bliss.. These have definately been the BEST years of my life. Better than preschool, better than primary or highschool by a long shot.. But that time has come again.. how could I leave this?

I have reached the end of a stage. I have always thought..'i have school, then college, then life'.. well... I guess that means that live begins. How scary! what is life but an ocean....sparce, seemingly endless, lonely?. Where have the markers gone? What is there to look forward to? how am I going to subdivide my time?

I am begining a new stage next year. My natural instinct is to be scared by the change. But my history tells me to trust... and to take the jump and it will be better than ever imaginable.

Watch... I'm gonna jump.

the name

2006-10-27T02:32:00.000-07:00

Amadeus - I use this name for a number of things, MSN included. It reminds me of the creative spirit in me. Amadeus is one of Mozart's christian names. Mozart is among my favourite composers...he is known for his mastery and power over melody. His works just ring with singable melodies, and beautiful harmonies. Of course he is not the only great composer. He lived in between two of the most beautiful musical periods of all time. His works are reminiscent of the Baroque notions of Handel and Vivaldi, and look forward to the soaring melodies and expressiveness of the Romantic period. The simplicity yet complexity of his works astound me.

His name reminds me of walking through the streets of Salzbourg and Vienna. Visiting the palaces and churches where his music was performed in Austria and in France. Seeing the house where he was born. I get taken back to my Europe trip where I was first exposed to the beauty of music - and fell in love with the Baroque and Classical periods. I remember standing in Handel's house in London and just realising 'this is real!.. this actually happened!!'.It was insane.

It has inspired me to compose and take power over music...and sculp it into something beautiful. Truly inspired by the magic of Amadeus.

The created - learning about the creative process, i value so much more the meaning that is given to a creation when you realise that it was actually CREATED. I discovered while in Europe that just a glimpse of the lives of these composers brought this MUSIC alive to me. It gave the music such a vitality and purpose. I could see why it was composed and how much we should rever this process. Makes me realise, hey, I am created! You have been created. So value lies in all of us.

These two words/phrases just remind me of the purpose and passions of my life.

A friendly reminded that I have purpose. And so do you..

the question I want to leave is... what is your purpose?

so...blogging hey?

2006-10-26T23:54:00.000-07:00

I have finally decided to start a blog page.. yay for that. I have heaps of thoughts and randomness that I should write down. And people who care can read it and tell me how insane I am. This little fella here is just a trial post to see how this page works. I'm sure its not that complicated.