Folded wings, frightened of flight

A grumpy word. An angry glance.

A throat burning for something to sooth it. A stuffy head unable to think clearly.

Signs of stress? You'd think so. But surely this is my year away from stress? Isn't this the year that I have taken away from my job, my income, my steady progress to 'greater things' to avoid the mere mention of the word "stress".

Again I say, you'd think so.

Then why the sickness? Why the moodiness? Whats with the inability to stay focused? The lack of peace?

I guess I am quickly learning that a job isn't the sole source of stress.

But you gave up your responsibilities at church, I hear you say. You've stopped worship leading. You don't have to play the piano anymore. No more are you required at board meetings and nominating committee meetings. You no longer have the heavy badges of Youth Leader and Elder to weigh you down.

So what's my problem? Good question.

I spent the day travelling back from Cairns. I woke up at 4:40am in order to catch my flight back to Brisbane before spending the morning with another friend and driving back to Alstonville. Home. I spent the last week in Cairns vising a friend who needed company. Most of the time I was there I spent lazing around, swimming in the lagoon (a beautiful pool right on the coast), reading and chatting. I saw some movies (Changeling and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button), did some walking and listened to some music. I ascended onto the high country and watched very busy water soar gently into the abyss below. I witnessed the flying silhouettes of the bats at dusk and the reaching arms of the trees in which they landed.

But for some reason I just couldn't rest.

The issue, I think, stems from a need of mine to be busy. I'm not good at just letting time pass without some sort of product to show at the end of it. I can't listen to music without analysing, sorting and filing the information in my mind. I find it hard to watch tv without folding laundry, stretching, using my computer. And, so it turns out, I can't take a year away from work without... without...

I just don't know how to finish that sentence. What is this 'product' that I want to find at the end of 2009? The answering of this question has been the source of my emotional torment and anxiety. There are things.... aspirations, dreams.. which I want at the end of my time of 'escape'.

Tangible things such as qualifications come immediately to mind. I have enrolled in a massage course which can be completed this year. But I want more! I have registered to sit the GAMSAT (Graduates Australian Medical School Admissions Test) in March. I am looking into doing a course in teaching English as a second language. I want to learn about mechanics, sport, health, science, history and geography. I want to study the bible and learn about religion.

The intangible things can also be added to the list. I want to learn about life. Gain experience. To grow closer to God. I want to be a better, healthier, stronger man.

I want.. I want.... I expect....

There is so much!! And so little time!

Why must I be 24? Six years from 30. 26 from the beginning of the end.

Just the thought makes my mind crumple or go into overdrive, it can't decide. I see the amount of things to do, to accomplish, to achieve.. and I am back again to the place that i thought I had escaped.

I lie with folded wings, too frightened to fly.

As a boy, I always look for a solution. Is there one? I think so.

I guess I need to learn that life is life. It doesn't start when you please, neither does it let you 'get off' for a period. Life is. I am. And I guess I just can't expect to rush it, manipulate it, slow it down, or make it somehow more full than necessary. I can't expect myself to conquer it all today, tomorrow or even this year. Sure it is healthy to have goals, provided they are healthy goal.

Perhaps I need a day to just sit and to not think. To sit, and to not do. Hmm.. Sounds difficult. But I have only the option to try or to not try. I choose to try.

I just need to take a breath, stretch out my feeble wings, stand at the beginning of each day and jump.

Not a little skip because I am afraid to fail, or I have no confidence in the winds.

But to jump with all my might, all my confidence... into the will of God which carries me on wind like an eagle.