Been a while

So it's been a while since I've written in this blog. And I think that I'll start writing again. I described the cathartic nature of blogging to my housemate a week or two ago, and it reminded me that I should really get back into it.

This is just to break the ice. It's fine to write nothing in a blog I think. Particularly one that doesn't get read very often, or at all. But for some reason it's nice to have your thoughts out there in the open just for the odd chance that someone might get a glimpse of your soul and like what they see.

Folded wings, frightened of flight

A grumpy word. An angry glance.

A throat burning for something to sooth it. A stuffy head unable to think clearly.

Signs of stress? You'd think so. But surely this is my year away from stress? Isn't this the year that I have taken away from my job, my income, my steady progress to 'greater things' to avoid the mere mention of the word "stress".

Again I say, you'd think so.

Then why the sickness? Why the moodiness? Whats with the inability to stay focused? The lack of peace?

I guess I am quickly learning that a job isn't the sole source of stress.

But you gave up your responsibilities at church, I hear you say. You've stopped worship leading. You don't have to play the piano anymore. No more are you required at board meetings and nominating committee meetings. You no longer have the heavy badges of Youth Leader and Elder to weigh you down.

So what's my problem? Good question.

I spent the day travelling back from Cairns. I woke up at 4:40am in order to catch my flight back to Brisbane before spending the morning with another friend and driving back to Alstonville. Home. I spent the last week in Cairns vising a friend who needed company. Most of the time I was there I spent lazing around, swimming in the lagoon (a beautiful pool right on the coast), reading and chatting. I saw some movies (Changeling and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button), did some walking and listened to some music. I ascended onto the high country and watched very busy water soar gently into the abyss below. I witnessed the flying silhouettes of the bats at dusk and the reaching arms of the trees in which they landed.

But for some reason I just couldn't rest.

The issue, I think, stems from a need of mine to be busy. I'm not good at just letting time pass without some sort of product to show at the end of it. I can't listen to music without analysing, sorting and filing the information in my mind. I find it hard to watch tv without folding laundry, stretching, using my computer. And, so it turns out, I can't take a year away from work without... without...

I just don't know how to finish that sentence. What is this 'product' that I want to find at the end of 2009? The answering of this question has been the source of my emotional torment and anxiety. There are things.... aspirations, dreams.. which I want at the end of my time of 'escape'.

Tangible things such as qualifications come immediately to mind. I have enrolled in a massage course which can be completed this year. But I want more! I have registered to sit the GAMSAT (Graduates Australian Medical School Admissions Test) in March. I am looking into doing a course in teaching English as a second language. I want to learn about mechanics, sport, health, science, history and geography. I want to study the bible and learn about religion.

The intangible things can also be added to the list. I want to learn about life. Gain experience. To grow closer to God. I want to be a better, healthier, stronger man.

I want.. I want.... I expect....

There is so much!! And so little time!

Why must I be 24? Six years from 30. 26 from the beginning of the end.

Just the thought makes my mind crumple or go into overdrive, it can't decide. I see the amount of things to do, to accomplish, to achieve.. and I am back again to the place that i thought I had escaped.

I lie with folded wings, too frightened to fly.

As a boy, I always look for a solution. Is there one? I think so.

I guess I need to learn that life is life. It doesn't start when you please, neither does it let you 'get off' for a period. Life is. I am. And I guess I just can't expect to rush it, manipulate it, slow it down, or make it somehow more full than necessary. I can't expect myself to conquer it all today, tomorrow or even this year. Sure it is healthy to have goals, provided they are healthy goal.

Perhaps I need a day to just sit and to not think. To sit, and to not do. Hmm.. Sounds difficult. But I have only the option to try or to not try. I choose to try.

I just need to take a breath, stretch out my feeble wings, stand at the beginning of each day and jump.

Not a little skip because I am afraid to fail, or I have no confidence in the winds.

But to jump with all my might, all my confidence... into the will of God which carries me on wind like an eagle.

validity

Isn't it amazing that God has instilled in us a desire and commission for character development. It is awesome. I am studying a unit to my year 9 and 10s on Suffering and Compassion. And I love to think about it in context of all the things I have learnt about myself. I try to work out in what ways I am suffering and dig deeper and deeper to uncover the root cause and work out strategies to address the suffering. We are shaped so much by our past. Our interactions with important males in our lives, interactions with important females in our lives fully shape our perceptions of gender. Looking at what they do shapes our perceptions of industry and purpose. Our dealings with and guidance through struggle, conflict and resolution influence our self-worth and independence. It is all interconnected. A man is not an island.

At the moment, I am cracking down on my commission to be a good steward. For the last 8 months, since I have been here, I have become slacker and slacker when it came to dishes, vacuuming and ironing (my 3 greatest inconveniences). The garden of my rented house has fallen to disrepair also. So last sunday, I spent the whole day cleaning my kitchen and ironing. This afternoon when I got home I went out and pruned a tree. After tea I did the dishes, dried them and put them away.

I think somewhat that my desire for cleanliness, and the motivation and industriousness that has benefited my desire, is somewhat related to my state of mind, my recent intermittent experience with a feeling which can only be described as mastery, and the weather. I have always found that I work better with a clean desk. And it seems also that when I am working efficiently and confidently, my desk somewhat resembles order (if not only to my archaic perceptions at the time). School this term has been glorious, better than the last two terms. I pray that this trend continues. I have a made a real connection with the students, the subject material and my understanding of my role. I have grown. And I have grown a lot. And I am continuing to grow. But at the moment, I am enjoying the plateau of mastery, if not of only small things. It is hard to express the feeling of entering a room and knowing that your performance, although not being always accurate or flawless, will be, with little fear, plausible. And validity, I feel, is the essential basis for a sapling to burst into growth. I can. I am not perfect, but I can.

I am discovering this theory true time and time again in my interactions with my students. To just believe a student can is all a student needs sometimes. X is a student of mine who has low self-esteem and works at a poor standard. One day I told him that he could do a piece of work that I had set him. I moved him away from his peers, and told him how I had faith in him, how I knew how capable he was at achieving the task ahead of him. You know what he did? He didn't yell, or argue. He cried. Big soppy baby tears. Tears from a heart that was longing to hear those words. And you know what? He worked with passion the next few weeks - like a man with a purpose, a desire to exemplify that he could!

In my study recently I have been discovering about the basic sufferings of a man's heart. This call for validity is one that deep-set within every soul. A man whose masculinity is not validated, whose interests and ambitions are not validated and whose basic feelings and passions are not validated is left to question himself. To wonder whether or not he is good enough. Whether he try to play a role in which he feels invalidated, or fight for androgyny as a safer option. And again, this suffering is deep-set and is affected by interactions and examples.

The hope is, and perhaps the cop-out, Adventist response for those who have not gone through the struggle and discovered the reality, God validates us. He has created us, equal but different. With a purpose. He has created me with a need for adventure, with a thirst for and the capabilities to achieve true masculinity and a heart that is open for growth. And with this gift of realisation, comes the fruit of mental relaxation. I can think, analyse and create without fear. I jump out of bed with a desire to be awake with the knowledge that I am contributing in a valid way. I am and I can, therefore I do, without self-inflicted limitation.

I think the warmer weather helps it all as well.

I had no idea how passionate my need for validity was. It was masked from me. I wonder what else is masked from me?

one term in

so.. it is now the sunday before the third week of term 2..and life if pretty good. I am living in Alstonville, and I have some really really GREAT friends!! Gonna miss Keegan so much when he goes over seas. He is a champion..

Simon's birthday party was last night.. was heaps of fun fun!!

green swirly carpet

Here is a little summary of what has been happening in my life.. lifted from an email I was writing..

I have started renting a house here in Alstonville (between Ballina and Lismore). It is a nice 4 bedroom house (Am sharing with my brother, who will be coming in about a month's time). We needed a big house so we could spread out, and not get in each others way. I will need an office and he needs something similar (to have his drum kit in etc). The carpet is green and swirly.. and the chores never seem to end. Washing, cleaning, cooking, listening to the birds (which of course isn't a chore), and.. unpacking.. Sunday's job will be mowing the lawns!
Have been blessed with a great deal of generosity and hospitality here. It has been great!! Have been adopted by the Hughes family (if you know them, Andrew Kingston's wife's family) who have made sure I have table and chairs, microwave, tv, pots and pans, lawnmower, kitchen utensils, CD player, record player, queen bed mattress, tv cabinet... etc.. Either through a long term loan of the items from them, or through the gracious giving of the Adra shop. Lovely!
Have started work as of yesterday. Went in and CLEANED out my room. Gosh, it was dirty!! and messy... and unorganised and full of stuff that didn't belong to me etc.. It was frustrated, but really rewarding. Today I went through and took an inventory of everything. There isnt' much there, but it will do for a while. It is going to be exciting starting a music department there. I really hope that it will grow!!
Really tired right now, but content with all the jobs I have been doing. Have a renewed respect for my mum. I don't know how she worked full time and kept a house going, as well as teaching singing, being heavily involved with church business and raised a family!! I must say, MOTHERS ARE AMAZING!!

merit...demerit

"you'll make principal really soon".. these are the words that one of my friend's dad said to me (and a sentiment that he has said to my friend many times). "why couldn't you find a nice boy like Andrew"..words from another friend's mother. Why do these people hold me in a such high esteem?

I found out today that I have only 2 demerit points to get before I lose my license. It is insane to think that this goody-two shoes, who all of my friends in Broken Hill think is just such a model of goodness could lose his license! What a disgrace.

so funny..i love this

This is probably one of my favourite clips I have seen. Just watch the swearing..

so funny..i love this

This is probably one of my favourite clips I have seen. Just watch the swearing..

so funny..i love this

This is probably one of my favourite clips I have seen. Just watch the swearing..